Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
