The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
