y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
