dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
