you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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