I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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