He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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