You smell like stripper and shame
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Found your dick twin last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
