The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
