If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
