saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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