Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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