if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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