My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
