How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
