I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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