i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
