Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His nipple licking is glorious
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