I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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