life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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