I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
