An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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