If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
