I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
