I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
