After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
