How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
