I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
