drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
