your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
COCAINE IS GR8
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
