why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
