$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
