Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
