the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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