I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
