i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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