____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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