i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
After tacos, we're chasing women.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
