i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
