i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
