My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
