Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
