I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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