I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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