fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
