they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
