dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
