We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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