Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
