I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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